Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Shopping for Nothing

My wife and I went shopping the other night. We weren't looking for anything in particular, we we're simply browsing. Its funny how the expectations are so different between men and women when it comes to a shopping experience. My wife, for example, wants to look at every department, even if we don't need anything from it.

"Oh look, they have spatulas on sale."

"Um, honey, we don't need another spatula. We have 30 spatulas at home already."

"But they're on sale. Maybe we should get another one."

"I dont even like the ones we have right now. They are all too flimsy."

"So we'll get a more expensive one and it'll be firmer."

"But if we get one that isn't on sale, then why are we getting it at all!?"

"You just said you wanted one that wasn't so flimsy. Here try this one."

"Its pink and has a dolphin on the handle. Wait, what does that say....'Flipper' on the handle? Jesus, that's just horribly wrong."

Also, my wife and I seem to disagree on the definition of a spatula. But thats another story for another time.

There is one part of shopping that we both do agree on. We both seem to get equally amused at the crap we find sometimes at certain stores. I'm not talking about your Targets and WalMarts, I'm talking about Big Lots and TJ Maxx type of stores. It seems that product rejects are plentiful at seedy establishments like this. These store are where retail failures go to die.

So here are our finds from our recent outing. Note that the pictures are possible due to the lovely technology of my cel phone camera.

Okay, so a simple game like Scrabble suddenly comes in a pirate version. I guess the nice thing about this is using words like "AAAAARG" and finally getting that 50 point bonus for using all your letters AND getting rid of 5 A's at the same time. I wonder if Borders sells a Pirate Scrabble Dictionary.


Isn't this game called Kerplunk? I seem to recall playing this as a child. But I think it was round, not square. Someone should get sued for this. Imagine if your friends came over to play when you were a kid and you got out this game and set it up and one of your buds says, "Dude, what happened to your Kerplunk game?" What kind of reply could you give that wouldn't ruin your life forever? "Oh yeah, my mom couldn't afford the 8 dollars for the real game from a reputable store. Instead, she paid 6 dollars for the knock-off version, thus crushing any hope of 8 yr. old coolness."

On to the next one:

I know, I'm covering up part of the title to supplement my own feindish ranting. What you don't know is that the word I am covering is "Hard" Anyway, its my wife's hand. She's the one that thought this one was so funny. Not that I disagree.

Another book:

After doing extensive research, I cannot find one single documented case of hippos going berzerk or even being slightly rowdy in any way shape or form. As a matter of fact, there is no valid reason to even consider the hippo as able to become enraged or irritable. I believe that the author, might be suffering from hippophobia.

Edit: Hippophobia is actually the fear of horses, which makes absolutely no sense at all. There actually is no official term for a fear of hippos, so we will revisit that subject at a later date.

And finally:

Some people consider my fascination with Bratz as slightly neurotic, but I stand firm in my belief that these toys should NOT exist. This fine example above just solidifies my stance on the matter. This doll has its mouth formed into a "blowing" position along with being dressed like a 5 dollar whore. Seriously, do I need to go any further with this one? Also, this is the second time TJ Maxx has supplied me with a devil spawn toy. In case you missed the first one, its located here:

I will continue my search for the bizzare and pathetic during my shopping escapades with my wife. I find that its the best way to get through some of the more painful outings.

BTW, we passed on the "Flipper", but did manage to buy a pink, giraffe print broom. It was on sale.

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